Dealing with Difficult Emotions as we Age
Holly B. Tiret, MA Ed., CFLE
Senior Extension Educator Michigan State University Extension
Being emotionally healthy includes being able to resolve interpersonal conflicts, navigating stress and expressing emotions both positive and negative while maintaining healthy relationships. Michigan State University Extension has a program that helps people learn information and skills to handle everyday conflict in ways that lead to better health and healthier relationships. This program can be a resource for some to begin working on healing. (MSU Extension RELAX: Alternatives to Anger Curriculum 2024)
Foundations of RELAX: Alternatives to Anger
Every letter of RELAX stands for one of the concepts. R is Recognizing your anger signals. E is learning to empathize and see things from another’s point of view. L is listening to what the other person is trying to say to you. A is accepting that someone else’s anger is not about you. And X is learning to x-out the past and keep things in the present. These concepts are woven throughout the four lessons. (MSU Extension RELAX: Alternatives to Anger Curriculum 2024)
Step1: Know what your anger triggers are
There are five primary triggers people experience that lead to anger. (Kashdan et al. 2016) Knowing what your triggers are can help you recognize what is making you angry before you react and say or do something you might regret. 1) someone hurts your pride, 2) someone shows disrespect for your wishes or needs, 3) someone puts you down, humiliates, or embarrasses you, 4) you are the target of another person’s anger and 5) your expectations are not met. RELAX: Alternatives to Anger helps participants learn to identify their own anger signals, giving them time to choose how they want to respond.
What we think or feel is a clue that we are getting angry or stressed. Becoming aware of our physical reactions can help us calm down and think before reacting emotionally. You can learn to recognize when you are angry, know what your thoughts or feelings are, and then find solutions that work best for you and others. (Martin, Watson & Wan, 2000)
Step 2: Learn ways to calm down before you respond
Cortisol is known as the stress hormone and is released in times of fear or stress (Adams & Epel, 2007).
Calming down is one of the key aspects of anger management. As you calm down, the cortisol dissolves so that you are calm enough to talk about the situation that has upset you without bothering you so much. Find ways to calm down that work for you. If you feel anger mostly in your body, then a brisk walk might help. If you feel anger most in your mind, then use some mindfulness techniques like deep breathing to help you calm down.
Step 3: Practice Problem Solving Skills
There are six principles of problem solving recommended by MSU Extension. They are 1) identifying the problem, what is making you angry? 2) keep your cool, be sure you are calm enough to discuss the problem 3) don’t take it personally, you don’t have to own other people’s negative emotions, 4), listen to the other person and try to see things from their point of view, 5) think of solutions together that work for everyone, 6) check back in periodically to see if your agreed solution is still working or if you need to revisit the problem for more solutions. (MSU Extension RELAX: Alternatives to Anger Curriculum 2024)
Step 4: Practice being a more forgiving person
There are some misconceptions about learning to forgive. For example, forgiving means you have to forget. That is not true. Your brain doesn’t stop remembering. Instead of dwelling on the past, you are now free to protect yourself and move on. Another misconception is that forgiving means you’re a pushover. Absolutely not! Forgiving puts you in a position of strength. You can still hold people accountable, but you take away that person’s power to hurt you anymore. One more misconception is that forgiving means you can’t get angry. Not true! You don’t excuse unkind, inconsiderate, selfish behavior, nor minimize your own pain. You can’t change the past or predict the future, but you don’t have to suffer forever either. A final misconception is that forgiving means reconciliation. Not always! It just gives you emotional space to make decisions that are best for you. It helps you decide, with strength and confidence, what’s best for you. You can decide if you want to work things out, or just walk away, or do something else. (Luskin, F. 2003).
Finding ways to deal with anger and other difficult emotions is not easy. It takes every day, intentional practice. However, it is worth it for your own health and for healthier relationships. If you are interested in learning more, consider taking the free, online RELAX: Alternatives to Anger four lesson series, or complete our online self-referral form to learn more about other health programs provided by Michigan State University Extension.
References
Adam, T. C., & Epel, E. S. (2007). Stress, eating and the reward system. Physiology & Behavior, 91(4), 449–458.
Kashdan, T. B., Goodman, F. R., Mallard, T. T., & DeWall, C. N. (2016). What triggers anger in everyday life? Links to the intensity, control, and regulation of these emotions, and personality traits. Journal of Personality, 84(6), 737-749.
Luskin, F. (2003). Forgive for Good. HarperCollins., p. vii
Martin, R., Watson, D., & Wan, C. K. (2000). A three‐factor model of trait anger: Dimensions of affect, behavior, and cognition. Journal of Personality, 68(5), 869–897.
Michigan State University Extension, RELAX: Alternatives to Anger Curriculum, 2023
